Dizzy

• I don’t know where I am. I don’t know who I am. I’m caught chasing dragons and losing my passion. I feel I’m an empty shell of what once was and what will never be. Looking through eyes that cannot see. One whose never free. I’m walking a labyrinth of which I cannot flee. My life has grown empty. I wish I lived simply but now it’s a frenzy. I keep spinning and spinning and god I’m so dizzy. I just need a breather. I just need a break. Spending so long ignoring what all’s at stake. I’m just a sad fake. A slithering snake. A monkey on back I just cannot shake. Staring in terror at all that I make, at all that I break. Somebody help me, somebody save me, because the devil’s enslaved me. God please help me.

Of Rhyme and Reason and Deathly Season

There is a veil between life and death. A spectre hidden behind each breath. In one moment you lose it all and gain perfection. Behold! The miracle of resurrection! A spur of moment fear reaction. Gazing cross an endless chasm. Hurting those you love the most. Spitting at the sacred ghost. Altars stained with blood and jizzum. Mind opens up in violent schism. There is a whisper in dead of night. A voice so dark it swallows light. My soul ice cold recoils in terror. Comfort becomes all the rarer. A razor scream cuts through the dark. Calling all who bare the mark. Fear turns to dust and dissipates. Hungry demons hiding salivate. Altars built to rhyme and reason. Mind opens up to brand new season.

Broken Record

One more for vanity,

One more calamity,

You’re shaking again,

You’re needing a friend,

Come on and descend!

You’re dying again!

Open wide and swallow it! A mouthful of steaming shit! Did it fix what was broken? Did you find what was stolen?

One more for sanity,

One more to remedy,

You’re sickly again,

You’re faking a grin,

Come on, own your sin!

Come and fuck me again!

Open up and swallow it, a glass full of runny shit! Can’t you fix what was broken? Can’t you find what you’ve stolen?

One more for clarity,

One more to clearly see,

You’re sinking again,

You wallow in sin,

Come and sink deep within!

Come on, fuck me again!

 

 

Acid Sudz

The streets are running red with blood! Drowning in a crimson flood! Lather me in acid suds! Wash it away! Wash it away!

The streets are paved in solid gold! Collapsing veins are running cold! It seems my mind is growing old. Melt it away! Melt it away!

I know it’s all the same to you. Forgetting, it’s just the thing you do! Screaming til your face is blue! Screaming cause you know it’s true!

In my face you see the lie. Only honest when we die. So alone and cold you cry, Why even try? Why even try?

If I could only taste your skin. Sink teeth beneath deep within! Smile back with blood stained grin! Is this a sin? Is this a sin???

The Desert

How did I get here? So bitter and jaded and always at my wit’s end. Is it like this for everyone or are there some who forego this particular stage of life and move on without second guessing? Without shame and regret? I’m told they’re out there but I have no way of knowing this for myself. Knowing my own struggle is enough anyways. So many ups and downs and in-between. Highs and lows, joy and despair, and craving…so much craving. I am becoming ravenous and insatiable and I don’t know how to stop. I just keep going, consuming all this world’s sweet poisons and pissing in my temple with each and every single passing day. I act as though I don’t know any better but I do. I just don’t care. At least, I tell myself I don’t because that’s far easier than admitting that I’ve just given up and want no part of the human world and its confusing ways, petty squabbles, and two-faced daily life. It’s all too much for me and I can’t help but feel a little bitter. After all, I never asked for this. I never asked to be born in this world. I never asked for a broken family. I never asked to be this awkward strange person seemingly incapable of connecting with others and having real friendships in my life. I never asked to be born at all. All of this was thrust on me and it’s all I can do to just barely keep it together and continue moving forward through life. I don’t even know where I’m going or how to get there, just that something keeps calling me to take just those few small steps forward and keep fighting. To not give up and pull the plug no matter how much I sometimes want to.

I used to have dreams and goals. I wanted to be somebody useful and good in this world. Back when I still looked awestruck up at the stars at night and tried to comprehend the endless vastness of eternity all around me. When the sky still inspired fear and wonder and curiosity in my child’s eyes.

I rarely look up anymore…and when I do, I look with different eyes. Eye’s full of doubt and bitterness and despair. I no longer look up and wonder. Instead I long to be somewhere far from here and ask whoever is listening how much more of this world I must endure before it’s finally over. I’m a different person now. I’m lost and wandering through this desert searching for whatever it is that keeps calling me. I am alone. So disconnected and alone, nobody to guide me now but myself and I haven’t the faintest idea where I am going or how long it will be until I get there, or if “there” even exists at all. Maybe it’s just a figment of my imagination. A mirage in my mind of a glistening green desert oasis on the horizon that I will never see, nor touch, nor smell. Just something to keep me moving on until I can go no further and I finally fade away.

Rose

I’m sitting in my room,

Another black feast I consume.

I’m working up the nerve,

This is not what you deserve,

Can barely open my eyes,

Veins filled with blackened lies,

I can’t watch your demise.

 

Can’t shake it from my head,

Your lyin in that bed,

So much I shoulda said,

But I turned tail and fled,

God please get out that bed!

 

I’m sitting in your room,

In your face I see just doom,

The two of us sedated,

Already you’re so faded,

I’m holding your hand,

Watching the pouring sand.

 

I’m so damn sorry,

I guess I’m not that strong,

I’m so damn sorry,

How the fuck things go so wrong?

 

I’m piercing through my skin again,

Fill me up with sweet sin,

I nod my head and grin,

This is all just a bad dream,

I’ll wake up soon with a loud scream,

I’ll see my rose somewhere downstream.

My Room

I can’t remember how I got to this place. I have no point of reference to even begin to retrace my steps. I am alone and afraid and there’s nobody to call to. No sanctuary or salvation. Only damnation. This world is so very dark, so very cold. There are no friendly faces. Only vague shapes and angry voices. Reflections of a life of bad choices. I am a living abortion. A result not meant to be. A perpetual plea. This is not what I wanted. This room is all wrong. The pictures are crooked and the air tastes so tainted. There’s blood on the walls and dog shit on my plate. The mirror reflects only that which I hate. My mouth opens wide but I can’t make I sound. Instead I swallow more shit. Eyes open wide yet still I am blind. I crawl on the floor, see what treasures I’ll find. So many trinkets and gadgets but oh where is my mind? Flesh bubbles and blisters yet still I am numb. I can’t feel a thing. I can’t even cum. I’m feeling so dumb and I can’t help but wonder, just when I’ll succumb.