Depression

Depression. When I get like this I feel like my only salvation, the only thing that will make me happy, is to scrape together 100 bucks, find a ride to Houston, buy some of the stickiest, gooiest, black tar I can find, stuff as much as I possibly can into an insulin syringe and inject it directly into the bend of my arm…

10…9…8…7…6…5… I don’t usually need to count back much further than that until the effects start to overcome me and I slip into the most beautiful of self induced comas….but I’m not that person anymore.

No, these days when I feel that overpowering darkness closing in on me and I feel as though the whole world is conspiring to utterly and ruthlessly fuck me over, when I feel like there is no hope what-so-ever for the future of mankind or this world, when I feel as though my life is to end uneventfully and without leaving any sort of positive impression into the world, when I feel as though the goddess, the father, and all the Universe are out to rend me, I breath. I breath and I retreat to my inner sanctum. Not to run but to regroup and rediscover myself.

I’m finding that life is made up of cycles of ego death and rediscovery of the self. Every time I start getting comfortable and apathetic it’s like the soul that commands this body decides it’s time to push a reboot button and I find myself in this emotional tar pit that I currently am wallowing in. It’s not so bad anymore…used to I would slip into this mode of thinking and I could barely handle it. I would feel as if the whole of the universe was ending and my very soul along with it. Not so much anymore. I realize that this shitty emotional state will end in a matter of days and I will once again be sailing the seas of mania for however many weeks or months I choose. I realize that it is all part of a process.

Doesn’t change the fact feeling like this fucking sucks.